I am in limbo 2021

The definition of ‘limbo‘ is uncertain or undecided state or condition; forgotten or ignored state, place or situation. I use ‘we’ because I would like to assume that it is not just me trying to organize and summarize what has been going on since March 2020, and how my brain has been dealing with current situation. Another description of limbo is in the movie Inception where Saito’s in limbo losing the track of time in the dream. In 2020, covid-19 changed a lot in my life. Regardless how many things have changed, my overall feeling is exhaustion, dissatisfaction, insignificance in the society (as in unable to help with the pandemic adverse impact on public health). Here is a list of things that I did in 2020: 1) visited Japan for about 15 days before lockdown/quarantine due to covid-19; 2) worked May-August with community policing centre; 3) applied to BCIT; 4) applied to many, many jobs; 5) tried online dating on-and-off; 6) 2 mental breakdowns; 7) addressed my mental health; 8) thought about protesting for BLM and STOP ASIAN HATE but didn’t actually go out because of covid-19 guidelines; 9) received graduation package without ceremony, and here we are in 2021, I am still waiting, looking, observing, … oh yeah, and drinking quite a lot of wine on-and-off.

One of most important things for me is to be able to work, and feel like I am making/ helping to make a difference in society. When covid hit in 2020, many students struggled with job loss as well as overall well-being. For example, the study conducted in Tokyo, Japan, showed that both male and female students’ employment percentage dropped around April 2020 when Japan declared nation-wide state of emergency. In the study, results showed that 37% of participants worried about living expenses and tuition fees, and people who had anxiety regarding financial insecurity reported poor self-rated health. It is heartbreaking. I feel hopeless and extremely anxious about the future just because of employment insecurity. Current covid situation also makes me feel like ‘I am not in healthcare right now, and I am worried that i would be useless to society because i’m not trained to be one yet‘ & ‘ will I ever be trained well enough to be in healthcare?‘ Is this just me feeling this way? Is this the time to ask all students to shift their education towards healthcare so they would have a secured job to avoid financial instability?

I am worried. Are you?