I have to do this at 2:24 a..m. today, right now.
Self-torture- almost 9 months, and it seems to keep going through this year.
I AM IN A DARK HOLE RIGHT NOW, AND I AM SURE THAT ALL THINGS (BY THINGS, COMPLAINTS, DISSATISFACTION, HATRED, SILENCE etc) WOULD BE THE ‘THING’ I REGRET IN THE FUTURE.
I am sure about this because all my elder people that I know about say the same thing to me : this won’t last forever.
In 2010, I got into medical school in China, and I threw everything behind after 1.5 years to be here, Vancouver. There are many different reasons for immigration. My family decided to move here because 1) their tradeoff happiness in a long-run 2) my little sister who has relative small, weak physical body.
A long, long, long way to finish my degree.
I never a social person. And, this obviously gets back to me now. I feel trapped and helpless.
I tried to seek things that give me instant happiness instead of putting effort, time on people.
Results: I have been crying almost every night since January, 2015. Physical pain, sometimes, becomes the only thing that makes me feel alive.
I deeply look at the past of my childhood.
There is one thing that is so vivid to me. When I was little, my family was very poor. They had to work their ass off to get things. I remember every time we went to the shopping mall, and I would say ‘I will just take a look at those toys, I don’t want to buy anything’ to my parents. And, the only happiest thing in my memories are those Japanese gums that mom bought for me occasionally.
Now, we are fine. We are not rich, but we are not poor. They got cars, got me into school, spent money on better food, clothes, houses, plants.
Recently, I have been through emotional crisis, which is exaggerated here (I believe so, but allow me to say this for now). I see all bad things, negative things, and just want to hate every single thing, everyone in Vancouver. I asked around, unloaded my complaints with no direction, and sometimes out of no where. Then, I started weeping at night, which leads to reducing my quantity and quality of sleep.
I started to say things that I don’t really mean to.
One month, two months, three months…
I keep my school work, part-time job at certain level, keeping my spot in newspaper at school.
It is not even close to tackle the problem: I don’t do anything socially here.
It needs actual effort.
Let me give you an example,
I believe that you have something similar: when you are depressed, negative, all those positive things you just want to say ‘f**k you. However, you know you are not doing this right; you just cannot take it at the f**k moment. Moreover, this ‘moment’ seems to last forever.
My dad came to visit us once in the summer, and I just drove him to the airport yesterday.
HERE, A BIT WISER ME:
I talked to my parents. This is brilliant at the beginning. Everything positive they said to me I threw into the trash bin right away. Once, twice…
I got tired, and they got tired.
In the end, it is not worth it releasing all my problems to them. I am aware of this very well.
Please allow me to write this to the future me. I am 100% I would regret saying things that I don’t mean to. I am 100% sure that those with much more life experiences would turn out to be right.
At this particular moment, I think I can accept the last thing my dad said to me on the way to the airport.